


Halls of Hogwarts

by libbixxx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gordon ramsay teaching potions, Room of Requirement, hogwarts wifi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2018-04-26 15:25:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5009947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libbixxx/pseuds/libbixxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally inspired by the Overheard in the halls of Hogwarts gifsets, with a sprinkling of otherness thrown in for amusement purposes.<br/>Meet professors Perks, Longbottom, Ramsay, and Blessed, enjoy the antics of the third generation of marauders, and puzzle out the presence of the Golden Trio's portrait.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A bunch of students are walking down the corridor, just merrily chatting away, their conversation drifting past the portraits, gaining the attention of the newest addition to the walls- a large portrait of The Golden Trio. “I swear, these Defence teachers are terrible, there here for a year, and they’re dead before they get around to marking anything!” a seventh year complains, much the portrait Harry’s delight.

“Psst!” the quintet turns, looking at the painting “Don’t ‘psst’ at me, Potter! Hang on…you never talk!” the effigy grins, and says “Yeah, well, no one’s ever talking about anything interesting… So, the defence curse is still in effect then? That was a buggerance even when we went here…” the other inhabitants of the frame nod along with the declaration. “We had some right terrible ones, we had Voldemort, a fraud, a werewolf, a death eater, another death eater, then a pair of the buggers- though in seventh year we weren’t here and it was just called Dark Arts…” three heads nod sagely, ignoring the mutterings of the group in front of them, just as a small cluster of third years walk past bemoaning the moving Wi-Fi.

“I’m certain the Wi-Fi flipping well moves more often than the stairs do! It’s annoying, and professor Longbottom says we should use it as a chance to promote inter house unity, which is just bollocks, everyone knows the Gryffindorks refuse to accept the Slytherins as real people…” a few nod, and one says “did you hear, Pete got unmoving Wi-Fi in the Room of Requirement last night! We’re gonna have a party, and watch all kindsa shit, might see if we can make drinking games from them, that’d be a right laugh! Can you imagine Scorpius absolutely rat-arsed!? Albus’d be all over him, fussing away worse than usual!!” a few nudges later, he notices he’s in front of The Golden Trio, with another group stood around “Hey, Mr Potter! Did you know Albus is hella gay for Scorpius!?” to which Harry faints, and Ron goes a horrendous shade of purple and chokes on his own tongue.


	2. Chapter 2

A bored Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington floats down the walkway between the tables of The Great Hall muttering to himself “should be bowling with the hunt, not babysitting these dunderheads…damn Snivellus stealing my catchphrase…miss the marauders, they livened this place up a hella fucktonne…wonder if peeves got the blame for my latest prank…stupid kids…sending each other flirty howlers…I should just move on…damn students and their wifi…flocking around like hippogriffs just to go on “tumbler” and “tweeter” and “facebooks” and “sky ping” their parents…back in my day, owls were all you had…Dumbledore had the right idea…20 points to Dumbledore for not being an idjit…”

A chicken drumstick flies through his head, and a cheer goes up from the hufflepuff table “30 POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF, FOR AN EXCELLENT THROW!!!” a prefect calls, inciting an even louder chorus of whooping and yelling.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey, Albus, do you have a spare…pencil, was it?” Marina fluttered her eyelashes at the boy, but he didn’t even seem to notice “Sure, Rina, any particular colour?” she giggled, much so Scorpius’ annoyance (not that he’d ever admit it) “Oi! Al, chuck us a biro? A green if you’ve got a spare?” Albus merely chuckled at Scorpius’ behaviour, after all, he found it rather sweet and amusing that the other boy got riled up so easily, and flicked the pen at the blond’s head, eliciting an ungainly mewl of protest. “Al! Don’t be meeeean!” he pouted. “Sorry, Scorp, I just couldn’t resist.” the boy blushed slightly, upon realising what he’d said “Can’t resist me, eh, Potter?” Albus sighed “No Scorp, of course Scorp, you’re just so wonderful I couldn’t help myself Scorp.”

Professor Perks took that moment to appear behind the two grinning boys. “Now, since you two are finding the time to banter around-” the duo winced “I suppose I can safely assume you’ve finished this round of flanter, and can now focus on the task you’ve been set? Hmm?” Albus blushed bright pink whilst Scorpius boldly set about repairing his dignity “Um, I do believe you’re heinously mistaken ma’am, there was no flanter, and you’d do well to remember that as a teacher you’re far too uncool to be saying such things to the youths of today.” She sighed and rolled her eyes at the boy “you, lad, are further in denial than the bleedin’ crocodiles are, and you’re also in detention tonight too.” And with that, she left the boys to bicker between themselves.


	4. Chapter 4

Four sets of feet thundered down the seventh floor corridor, yelling as they went.  
“Katie, did you get the popcorn from the kitchens?”  
“Of course!” she puffed, trying not to fall behind “Archie, did you bribe peeves?”  
He merely grinned in response before quizzing Lilith “Oi, blondie, did you tell the prefects where we we’re gonna be?”   
“Don’t be stupid, of course I did” she scowled, not liking being doubted “James, did you tell Rose to meet us there and have it all set up?” he nodded, needing to keep all his breath for running.  
Suddenly a head peeked out from behind a large, blue, phone box door. “Hurry up, you four, we’ve less than a minute until it starts!”   
They skidded into the room, cloaks and arms flapping, just as the intro began.  
“Pass the popcorn.”   
“Shh”  
“Sorry”  
“SHH!”   
“I don’t get it…”   
“GET OUT” ten voices chorused.


	5. Chapter 5

“Sorry I’m late, Professor Ramsay, I forgot I had potions now and went to Arithmancy instead.” Suddenly she blanched, seeing that the potions professor looked ready kill her. “You forgot!? YOU FORGOT ABOUT POTIONS!? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I FORGOT TO SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE THE NEXT TIME YOU COCKED UP A SIMPLE GODDAMN POTION!? HUH!?” a knock on the door silenced him, and a little first year peeked his head round the door “Professor Ramsay, sir?” he nodded “Yes? What is it? What do you need?” the child looked around nervously “Professor Weasley asked if I could fetch her daughter, it’s about Quidditch, I think, sir.” The professor calmed down visibly “Of course, shall I send her now? Or whEN SHE’S FINISHED FUCKING UP FOURTH YEAR POTIONS!?” he yelled, facing Rose to rant at her. The first year started crying, and Gordon went over and hugged the child “It’s ok, I wasn’t yelling at you, it's fine, I'm sorry I scared you, little one. I’m just mad at the ginger nincompoop over there that’s worse at potions than you.”


	6. Chapter 6

"ah shit" Dylan said, just as a voice boomed "THOMAS-FINNEGAN!! YOU'RE LATE, YOU USELESS SACK OF DRAGON SHIT!" he nodded meekly, not wanting to be subject to the loud professor's ire for longer than absolutely necessary. 

A few minutes later, and half the NEWT class were running in terror, swearing that even Hagrid was a better teacher than this menace   
"I PUNCHED A POLAR BEAR IN THE FACE, WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM A GIANT FUCKING SPIDER!?!?" professor Blessed hollered at the scampering children "THE GIANT FUCKING SPIDER DOESN'T BLOODY DISMISS YOU, I DAMN WELL DO, GET YOUR SORRY ARSES BACK HERE NOW!!!" 

Unfortunately the class was too far away to hear the three hundred point deduction from each house, and so wasn't prepared for the welcoming committee in the doorway of the Great Hall... A few even had pitchforks and torches... 

Professor Longbottom stood by the door "300 points from each house....anyone care to tell me how that happened?" he asked, and a thundering response came from the entry hall "IF YOU PUSSIES CANT HANDLE A GODDAMN ACROMANTULA HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'LL HANDLE THE GROSS IN-FUCKING-COMPETENCY OF THE FUCKING MINISTRY!?!? MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS!!" the crowd dispersed rather quickly, leaving a pitchfork clanging on the floor, having been hastily dropped as it's owner fled.


	7. Chapter 7

"Jesus buggering fuck, Al, what are you listening to!?" Scorpius yelled over the racket "it's called music, you half wit!" Albus called back, dancing around the room "is that a banjo solo!?" he asked, aghast "you bet your cute arse it is!"  
Scorpius fled.

Two hours later, the young Malfoy deemed it safe to return, only to be met with a sight that would haunt him forever. He didn't even know that portraits could expend to fit that many people, much less have them all coordinate a line dance...   
Scorpius fled. Again. 

The next day, the whole school was buzzing with the news that Albus had orchestrated a barn dance with all the paintings in the school.   
Copies of THAT memory were selling for 5 galleons a pop, and the omnioculars used to film it were hooked up to a projector in an anteroom just off the defense classroom and repeating on loop. "it's like being stuck on vine" one muggleborn commented, Dursley, his name was.


	8. Chapter 8

"Oi! You! Weasley!" Hugo spun to face his godfather's voice "Yes, uncle Harry? What reason could you possibly have to take time from your ever-busy schedule to talk to little old me?" he was met with a half hearted scowl "Stop being sassy, you little shit. I plan to share joyous news that'll appeal to your inner marauder...!" Hugo raised an eyebrow "Skip the monologue and just tell me the news and catch, and who else knows..." the effigy of Hermione looked affronted "Hugo! That's not how you were raised!" he huffed, only to be mocked by the likeness of his uncle and father "ANYHOO! Now you're done being a poop, if you poke my shin- no idea about that one, kiddo, you'll have to ask the castle, she probably thinks it's hilarious- there shall be a dramatic fanfare - if you're the hooting at your own achievements type, like your mother - and our painting will swiiiing forwards to reveal a passage that, should you pass the tasks along the way, will lead to wherever in the world you want it to." Harry was practically bouncing in his frame, irritating Hermione greatly so she decided to take over "however, these tasks require you to uses your skills of hard work, cleverness, bravery and cunning. Much like that film we watched the other day with the faction challenges to get the message, except this time you get to go anywhere of your choosing, and yes, the exit remains there, and visible to only you."  
A swift thump, some rather colourful language, and a lot of scuffling later, Hugo was on his way to Amsterdam, a lecherous grin on his face.

Five minutes later, he landed on his arse in front of the painting, sulking.


	9. Chapter 9

Auror Holmes was having a pleasant morning.  
Until a memo landed on his desk.  
One that instructed him to go up to Head Auror Potter's office ASAP, for a case briefing.  
"Right, Holmes, a pureblood kid's been kidnapped, and we need you to solve how. There's no evidence of a struggle, motive, or ransom note, but there's also nothing to indicate that he left willingly. What do you say? Want the case? I can even chuck Watson in as your partner if you think it'll help?"  
Sherlock nodded thoughtfully "I'll do it, and yeah, I'll take John with me, Merlin knows he keeps me from attacking that dunderhead Anderson."

"So, you're saying you last saw him on Wednesday? Okay, well, how was he acting? What was he wearing? Did he seem jittery at all? Did he say anything important was happening soon?" 

"you may now kiss the bride" 

"we need to do something about this, he's been gone for days..." John Watson, formerly of the muggle army, now part of the elites in the Auror corps, was frustrated. Sherlock had been sitting around the flat complaining about the lack of worthwhile cases. 

"WHERE THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU, MATE!?" he looked up at the crowd of students blocking the entrance to the common room "I...had something to do..." a lone voice called from the back of the crowd "what happened? Did you get married or something?" he gulped nervously "erm...well...about that...yes I did, and no I'll not tell you about anything to do with our relationship, other than the fact she's a muggle, and the sex is fantastic..." just like that, the crowd dispersed. 

"you arse, you knew didn't you!?" Sherlock merely raised an eyebrow in response.


	10. Chapter 10

“It’s difficult. Being the calm in the storm, or being the storm in the calm. There’s never any certainty one minute to the next, and it’s draining at the best of times.” A soft, persistent, voice intones from a perch in the middle of a dimly lit stage. Four seats in the audience are occupied, one’s occupant sits forward leaning, craning to catch every uttered syllable. Two’s occupants are slouched, angled in towards each other, as if they’re all that matter in the world. The fourth? Here under duress, they’d tell you, but really they’re only half watching their thirteenth vine compilation of the day and half listening to the soliloquising heart wrenching with empathy, each word striking a chord, determined to not be caught emoting.

“It was great, really powerful, I loved the allusions to the icicles” Praise gushes like a babbling brook, each compliment tripping over the last to be heard and all exclaimed with wide, bright eyes. “Really, I was moved, almost to tears, I had no idea you felt such things, you could truly be a poet.” Several pairs of eyes roll, not that any would admit to doing such a thing, however. “Yeah mate, it was great, real good stuff. You got any idea what your mum’s doing for dinner? I’m starving.” A stilted chuckle. “Dunno mate, reckon you’d have a better chance of knowing than me, we barely talk anymore- I swear she likes you more than she likes me. It’s not fair.” The quintet stills momentarily in a weighty, understanding silence. “Well of course she does, I do the dishes. And besides, look at my hair, what woman could resist?” An eyebrow raises. “We do. Easily.” Various calls of “oooooh” and “roasted” emanate from around the room, the quintet appear surprised, as if they hadn’t noticed the lunch hall filling up- a feat given the time and the sheer volume of people now cramming and barging themselves closer the food. 


	11. Chapter 11

“Mister Bulstrode, how many times do you have to be told that the school tie must have five stripes showing on the lower extension?” The student in question shrugs and grunts, making no effort to look even remotely apologetic nor to fix his blatant flaunting of the rules. “Oh just sort it, Delly. It won’t kill you to follow the rules occasionally.” At this the teacher fixes a hard glare at her pupil “Well, Scabior, the less said by you about conforming, the better.” A susurration whips through the assembling crowd “Did she just?” and “How dare she?” springing forth from multiple sources. The student in question looks forlornly at their shoes, resignation written upon their features. “I apologise for interrupting, Miss.” They say, hoisting their rucksack and turning away. “That was a shitty thing she said, Sim, you don’t have to take bullshit like that, you know you don’t. The head even said to tell her directly if anyone said anything openly.” A dainty shoulder shrugs, dark robes shifting slightly to expose a collection of badges pinned to the inner lining, one a pattern of black, grey, and white stripes with a singular green one through the middle.


End file.
